First and foremost, somewhere towards the middle of the magazine there is a little display of 3 t-shirts featuring "dive bars" from all over the nation. I know that these must be truly dive-ie bars because one of the shirts in the display is the little bird man from Swallow at the Hollow. A few memories from Swallows: The night that V and C cried over the best years of our lives being nearly over while singing Don't Stop Belieeeeeving, the night that K2Crs sang every memorable Disney song over whatever music was being played and called it 'lead team bonding,' and the night that I boldly got up the courage to wear sneakers with my "bar shirt" despite social norms indicating that this was clearly a poor decision. Everyone was too busy singing and/or being emotional over the music and the rim of their Bud Light to even notice my sneaker rebellion, so why this sticks out in my mind as a serious risk I can't really say. Hence, item number one that I simply must own, the Swallow at the Hollow t-shirt. To remind me that at any given time I'm probably being a little bit of an idiot.
Next up: that alarm clock! The one with the gradual noise, gradual light feature, where it mimics a natural awakening at sunrise, in a forest surrounded by gentle baby birds, all considerately chirping at a steadily increasing volume until you are fully awake, and totally rested, more equipped than anyone else to face the challenges of the day! Let's keep in mind that I am an adult who still has absolutely no difficulty sleeping in until 1pm if the opportunity presents itself, and if I'm excited about this, I'm pretty sure that everyone.else.in.the.world. has no. good. excuse. to be NOT excited for this technological advance.
Number three. They've invented these portable grass boxes complete with a fire hydrant for people to put indoors so that their dogs don't have to go outside to pee. Listen, I only spent a couple years in Texas, but your blood gets really used to hot weather, and that's hard to bounce back from, and lately Atlanta has been really cold. So when I have to walk alllllll the way down the breezeway, to the grass, so that Felix can... you know... I just picture luxe plastic grass and a tiny plastic hydrant and rainbows and dog excrement. I'd keep it on the breezeway, not in the apartment (ew) and spend the extra time doing valuable things, like watching old episodes of 16 and Pregnant. Or something else. I'm just saying, until I can get a real yard, how about a tiny plastic one for the dog? 'Cause, ugh, stairs. And also, ugh, cold.
Next up, the WORLD'S LARGEST WRITE ON MAP! That thing is flippin' sweet! I would write all over it about territories that I have conquered, those that are next on my list of "To Conquer," and then I'd get all nervous and start second guessing my plan and take out a different colored expo marker so that I could make a new and different plan without erasing the first one, and then do that again with more colors, and then it would get all convoluted and crazy looking and then I'd probably end up in prison for conspiracy charges, and then when I got to prison (I'm imagining an Orange is the New Black scene here) I'd say, in a quiet but strong and confident voice, "LISTEN, B******, YOU MIGHT NOT KNOW ME, BUT MY PLANS ARE DRAWN ON THE WORLD'S LARGEST WRITE ON MAP." And they'd all back up off me. Thanks for the shiv prevention, Hammacher Schlemmer.
Now I have to make a confession. I had planned to keep going about all of the awesome stuff I want, but I forgot what the rest of it was (because I probably didn't want it that bad) and just took a brief trip to the Sky Mall website to see if I could jog my memory. Ya'll, I just found a way to sort by popularity on the website. Since I know you are dying to know, the current top 3 items at Sky Mall are... (drumroll on an upside down bucket)... a "Fine Cherry Finished Watch Cabinet" (for those concerned with the practical storage of their time pieces), "My Adventure Books" which alter the story to feature your child (for children), and "NFL Wine Shoe Holder" (for those concerned with displaying their spirits on the high-heeled pedestal of their football team). Aaaaand all of my Christmas gift idea generating is complete. I can fit everyone I know into three categories:
1. Watch-lover
2. Child
3. Lives in a state with a football team and/or drinks.
Pick my gift for the white elephant, you won't be disappointed.
Things got a little bumpy there at the end, but we've landed (aka, I'm outta here). Thanks for flying and make sure you've collected all of your things before you exit the aircraft.
No comments:
Post a Comment